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An UnREAL Scenario: Casting a Black Bachelor on Everlasting

                      WHITE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

                     (to White producer)

          Write it "Blacker."

                      WHITE PRODUCER

              (reaches into "Blackness" grab bag)

          "Messy," "Baby Mama," "Turn it up."

                      BLACK CAST MEMBER

                     (looking at script)

          What White person wrote this shit??

This season on Lifetime's UnREAL there will be a Black bachelor: something that has yet to happen on ABC's The Bachelor (the show on which UnREAL's show-within-the show Everlasting is based). ABC has been called out on this issue by no less than Oprah Winfrey, and the Washington Post has referred to the show as "embarrassingly white." For anyone in Reality, however, this perpetual pastiness is hardly surprising. While the days of a small-b-bachelor are finally upon us, what UnREAL is proposing will nevah, evah* happen on The Bachelor with a capital-B. The network wouldn't have it.

*No, not Tay Tay. All Saints, natch.

The subject of race comes up often in Reality production, probably a whole a lot more often than it does in other lines of non-race-related work. As UnREAL's Executive Producer Sarah Gertrude Shapiro says, referring to her experience as a Reality producer, "I've heard appalling things about race all the time."

No shit. 

There're those charming network calls on which you're informed that there's a limit of one Black character an episode, no, never mind, a "light-skinned Latina" is enough; or that a particular cast-member (or should we say soon-to-be-ex-cast member) is too "ghetto" for the show; or that time a company pitched a show about a Black Hip Hop couple moving into an old money White community (oh, the LOLZ!).

The argument against casting Black characters is usually that the audience i.e. the target audience for that broadcaster--assuming that broadcaster isn't VH1, BET or, these days, WE--isn't ready for Black characters. Naturally the network execs themselves are super liberal ("just to be clear!"), they are merely at the mercy of their racist demographic. The assumption is that White audience members won't be sufficiently invested in Black cast members, and certainly not a Black lead (as in the case of a show like The Bachelor), to keep watching.

Given these circumstances, casting a Black Bachelor would require these four things:

1. Locating a Black Bachelor who is White enough for a White audience (the Obama of Bachelors, if you will). This palatable fellow cannot be "too ghetto," "too ethnic," or too much of a "player" (if you get the code).

AN ASIDE: Some Black cast members, having seemingly absorbed the version of Blackness that is "acceptable" to a White audience, will often (somewhat disconcertingly) assume the veneer of Blackness that they assume (correctly) appeals to Whites, at least in the minds of the network execs. Such cast members will be perfectly ordinary in their everyday interactions (i.e. funny, edgy, smart, or not, AKA human) but will then shift into a facsimile of "acceptable" Blackness (i.e. smiley, happy, Southern) the moment camera rolls.

2. Ensuring that the White Bachelorettes aren't going to freak the fuck out when the Bachelor is revealed as Black. (This means telegraphing to potential cast members in the casting process that the Bachelor may not be White, and weeding out obvious racists.)

While UnREAL's Showrunner Quinn will likely deliberately cast some racist White chicks to provoke racially-charged shenanigans, the fact is that the REAL Bachelor is way too committed to the fairy-tale tone to blow shit up with the realities of race and racism.

3. Figuring out how many White women you cast versus Black women. Do you cast it demographically, based on the American population as a whole? Or do you cast it favoring a slightly higher percentage of Black women? But if you have more Black than White women, will the White viewers lose interest? So many variables!

And finally...

4. Determining the race of the woman the Bachelor would end up with. Because this truly is the rub of the issue: the specter of mixed race couples that still unsettles so many folks.  

Whites, in particular, would prefer to believe everything is peachy because the Civil War (and they, personally, aren't racist)... but the fact is, the Civil War was yesterday, and shit like this could have gotten you lynched not that long ago, and arrested in the U.S.A. until 1967. (Whites haven't even begun to have a conversation about racism, and their own complicity in it, in any meaningful way.)

So if you're a producer in the field, which way do you influence the Bachelor: towards a Black woman, or towards a White Woman? Or do you split the difference and settle on an Asian woman or a Latina (not White but not Black either- it's a racial compromise!)?


Make no mistake, these would be the discussions they'd be having. But it would never get to that point. Any attempt to pitch a Black Bachelor to the network (a pitch which has, no doubt, been made) would be met with, "Is America really ready for a mixed race wedding?" Right answer: no. 

In fact, it's impossible to tell if America is or isn't "ready" for a Black Bachelor or a mixed race Bachelor wedding, since most of the country is committed to not talking about race at all. That commitment is mirrored on Reality TV. Unless it's being played for yucks (look at them hillbillies!) any examination of race is deemed too uncomfortable or too complicated to be entertaining. 

Which is, of course, horseshit: "Uncomfortable" is reality's metier, and complicated just means we need to think. 

The producers of UnREAL face a not-dissimilar dilemma in discussing race on their show, as Executive Producer Shapiro has acknowledged. UnREAL has social critical elements but remains, fundamentally, a Soap Opera; providing a nuanced take on issues of racism while remaining sudsy will be quite the balancing act.

#UnREALtv
#TheBachelor
#SarahGertrudeShapiro
#MartiNoxon
#Liftetimetv
#Wetv
#TCA16

Who the fuck am I kidding, even I want to watch the Anna Duggar interview

This morning I was able to resist embedded previews of the interview quite handily. I was even able to sneer at TLC's appeal to my baser instincts. But as the day has progressed, I have felt myself begin to falter - tempted.

I won't watch it - I do, after all, have a soul - but I'll be dammed if TLC hasn't successfully parlayed a child sex abuse scandal into must-see-TV.

#JillAndJessa
#TCA16

Only in Reality... Cast Wranglers

Welcome to Only in Reality... a series in which I explore the events, philosophies and positions that only exist or occur in Reality TV.

In today's edition we look at the crew position known as the Cast Wrangler.  

Now, Cast Wranglers do pretty much what their title implies: they wrangle the cast. So, in any scenario, a Cast Wrangler is the point of contact between Production and the so-called Talent. However, exactly what a Cast Wrangler does differs depending on the genre of Reality they're working in.

On a show like The Bachelor (AKA Everlasting on UnREAL), that is, a Competition Show, the Cast Wrangler is pretty much a human herder. The first of these I met was a louche German we'll call Tristan whose every move seemed an expression of petulance. Tristan's responsibilities included: keeping eyes on cast at all time (even living with them); herding them to and from set; ensuring that none of them had somehow gotten access to a phone or computer or any other item with which they could contact the outside world; and spying on the cast and reporting their personal and interpersonal problems back to the Story Department. Tristan was one of those for-sure psychopaths I've worked with who took strange pleasure in denying cast members the right to speak or even pee.

However, on a show like Housewives or Love and Hip Hop (DocuSoaps), the Cast Wrangler is less of a prison guard and more along the lines of a Personal Assistant. They build a relationship with the cast members and massage their egos (no one gives a shit about cast egos in Competition). They ensure that cast arrives on set on time and in the right wardrobe (a big deal in Docusoaps where we often shoot story out of order). They also, like their Competition compatriots, spy and report back to Production on where the cast is at emotionally (we then take that info and develop story lines accordingly). On shows like Love and Hip Hop there is actually one Cast Wrangler per cast member (which is quite unusual) whereas on Housewives there is generally only one for the whole cast. The job is not only stressful but can actually be dangerous. One cast Wrangler I knew actually had a gun held to his head. He's still in Reality. Go figure.

Cast Wrangling is a thankless and soul-destroying job. Wranglers have to manage extremely difficult (and sometimes violent) personalities and deal with 2 am calls and texts. In fact, the Cast Wrangler on my current show may not be long for this production. She's burnt out from a relentless stream of self-important D-list celebrity cast and their non-stop shenanigans. Update: she quit.

In case you're wondering why you've never seen the credit Cast Wrangler on a show, that's because they are titled as anything from Production Assistant to Co-Executive Producer. I was once promised a Co-Executive Producer credit on a Housewives show (rhymes with - Have Mercy) if I did--basically--a Cast Wrangler's job. I thanked them for the kind offer, but replied that I'd rather stab myself repeatedly in the chest with scissors.

Reality Bits (Network Sluttery Edition)

Apologies to anyone who's noticed my absence. I am currently on set and it's slightly harder to ponder the malignant entity called Reality TV when you have a cast member threatening to bust open your head. Onwards and downwards...

1) The Donald Trump Show Finds a Cast (Finally!)

Donald Trump has been branded the Reality candidate for the GOP nomination. What makes Trump good Reality Talent is that he knows how to create a soundbite. When we're editing shows with people like Trump they make it easy for us in edit because we get to pick and choose between provocative sound bites and then play them against a stunned or angry or upset reaction shot from someone else in the cast.

However, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, the GOP nomination race has yet to "rise" to a level of a Reality show because the other robots running aren't giving him any reactions to work with. Besides, let's face it, Trump is simply the pimple on top of the festering Republican sore. However, it seems that the TV news media has proven willing to step in.

Reporters (television, but also online and so-called print for that matter) are filling in the role of the horrified or thrilled recipients of his blather. And much like Reality cast members they spend an undue amount of time having discussions about the meaning of his latest offense/genius. In Reality we call those "fallout scenes" and they tend to happen in fancy bars/restaurants. The only difference here is the fallout scenes happen on news sets.

CNN is The Scandalized Innocent!
FOX is The Enabler!
Lindsay Graham is Once a Bestie, Now a Backstabber!

So I stand corrected, the GOP nomination is a Reality show attempting to pass itself off as news. The amplification of his fuckery doesn't strike me as news.

2) Emotional Anchors

The fact is, there isn't much different between Reality TV and the television news these days. In fact, I was struck during the coverage of the Paris attacks at the number of CNN reporters who were obviously faking sadness/tears about the events. Clearly they have been given direction from on high that emotion sells. Who knows, it may, I'm not a good sample audience.  

I find this stuff infuriating because while genuine emotional moments (Cronkite crying upon learning of Kennedy's death and Jon Stewart being overcome after 9/11, come to mind) make for powerful television, fake emotion is just shite and offensive to my intelligence as a viewer, not to mention a Reality producer - fake tears are the absolute worst when you're in edit.

3) Digging the Duggars and the (broadcaster) Benefits of a Police Shooting

TLC, as has been discussed before, has never encountered a molestation scandal that they don't view ripe fodder for ratings. The first part of TLC's special on Josh Duggar's sisters Jill and Jessa, who were also his molestation victims, airs December 13. I would provide a link, but fuck TLC I'm not promoting them. Instead I give you this. 

The leadup to Jill & Jessa: Counting On has been an interview on Good Morning America with Josh's long-suffering wife Anna, as well as appearances of the two sisters. Blech. Naturally, TLC's numbers for this dreck will be through the roof.

The ends to which networks will go to mine controversy in the name of numbers is ever expanding. I recently heard tell of a show where the network seized upon the controversy over the police shooting of Laquan McDonald in Chicago as a great "opportunity" (and I quote) for one of their shows.

Pardon me, but after this post I need to take several showers.

#TCA16

Fear and Loathing in Reality TV: Development Edition

"Fear is the mind-killer.” George Herbert, Dune. 

"Our fears are like dragons guarding our most precious treasure." Rainer Maria Rilke.

After the attacks in Paris, Beirut, Bamaco, Tunis (and counting), there’s a fair amount of fear around these days. Fear can be handy if you’re a politician. George Bush used it to motivate a war against Iraq, a secular country that didn’t attack America, while choosing to ignore Wahhabist Saudi Arabia from whence Bin Laden and most of the hijackers hailed. Now cohorts in his party are using it to reject the refugees they produced by fucking up that war. It seems that fear can be wielded to justify just about anything. 

But fear also informs the decisions we think we’re making freely. Specifically the stupid/destructive ones. It is certainly rampant in every aspect of Reality television production; its prevalence is so all-encompassing that to do it justice I will serialize this discussion. Let’s call it: Fear and Loathing in Reality TV. For the purposes of this exercise I’ll walk you through the development, production and edit of a hypothetical Reality show called, The Rarin’ Oliveris.

PART ONE: DEVELOPMENT

The story starts, as must any story of this ilk, with the owner of a Production Company—we'll call him Bob—and, because Bob is that kind of guy, his company’s named Bob’s Your Uncle Productions. Bob's actually a pretty insecure guy. He doesn't have a whole lot of experience in the industry, and started the company with money from his in-laws, who refinanced their home. Bob sold a series last year which kept things afloat, but until (when!) that gets renewed he needs to keep selling. He needs to make his overhead.

Now, while most people not in the industry assume networks and cable channels produce their own shows, this is not the case. Companies like Bob’s Your Uncle pitch show ideas to networks. When a network buys a show, they basically provide the pitching production company with the budget to produce it.  

Bob recently found out that let's say TLC is looking for family-oriented shows: stuff with a heart but also a twist. Like, say, the Duggars, without the molestation. As luck would have it, Bob knows just such a family: the Oliveris of Staten Island. The Oliveris have a family rock 'n roll band that plays gigs around New Jersey. Mom plays keyboard, daughter plays drums, son shakes a mean tambourine, and dad takes lead vocals. Outside of being a band, though, they're a regular, very tight-knit family. 

Bob's nervous. Any money he uses to shoot what we call a sizzle reel is wasted if it doesn't sell. Still, TLC's looking for this kind of thing, the Oliveris are real over-the-top type Reality characters,  and also ... Staten Island. If he doesn't pitch this, someone else will. So he musters resources to shoot a sizzle. He tries to keep the cost of production down (read: unpaid interns and possibly an underpaid Associate Producer) but still has to drop a couple of thousand dollars in editing. He just hopes he's made the right decision producing this pitch. 

Bob shoots at least ten of these a year and sometimes he doesn't sell any of them. So, he spends about $20K on Development a year (and, frankly, this is vastly understating the number of pitches production companies probably make each year). This is a scary amount of money to throw against the wall in the hopes of something sticking.

The day of the Network meeting an anxious Bob arrives with three sizzle reels (he’s modified two other pitches so that they meet the family-with-a-twist spec) and a desperate smile. The network exec's late; there’s a new Head of Programming at the network and there have been nonstop meetings since his arrival. (Unbeknownst to fearful Bob, the exec herself is terrified that the new boss will toss her like the other execs who’ve recently been let go). She's sorry but she only has ten minutes. 

Bob bobs his head, of course, of course while calculating internally which pitch to discard - he won't have time for three. So, what have you got to show me? Bob hits plays on his first sizzle, a pitch about an Alaskan survivalist family. Bob's on the edge of his seat. This is a strong concept (and is secretly Bob's favorite) but as he unspools the sample the network exec is constantly checking her email. Shit, he's really not getting traction with this one. 

Survive! Alaska is a bust. Bob moves onto the The Rarin' Oliveris. The network exec's still checking her phone but she seems faintly amused by footage of mom and dad getting into a fight about wardrobe. Bob perks up. The executive looks down at her phone. Fuck. He raises the audio to get her attention. The sizzle cuts to the Oliveris doing a show at a Staten Island church venue. The executive glances up. “Ooh, a church!” she says. As it happens, the new Head of Programming specifically wants more Christian family programming. What would be really good, she says, is if the Oliveris were actually Christians seeking to spread the Word by singing Bible-inspired songs at Christian venues. Would this be possible?

Well, no, not really. The Oliveris are many things, but church-going ain’t one of them. Also, their songs are generally rockabilly with a dash of jazz. But this is the first positive response he's had all meeting. So Bob, motivated by the fear of what will happen if he doesn't make a sale, says sure. He has no idea exactly how such a thing may be executed, or even if it can be, but he starts making all kinds of promises he really can't deliver on.

Bob makes the sale: an eight episode, half-hour series. Only, instead of the show being about a zany Staten Island family called The Rarin' Oliveris, now it's Alleluyah Oliveri. And instead of a docusoap about a hard-drinking, cursing, rock 'n roll family (the reality) it's a docusoap about a family of big characters committed to spreading the word of God (the Reality). Also the budget is pretty small and they want to premiere the show in about, you know, 4 months. Can you do it Bob? Yes! (This is where, in interview bite, we would have Bob confess that he has no idea how to pull this off!!)

CLIFFHANG INTO COMMERCIAL as we say.

Gwen and Blake May Be Dating (but they aren't Reality TV stars)

According to the gossip press (Lainey, dlisted, Celebitchy) Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton from The Voice are dating. This would be more exciting if the selfsame people hadn't predicted in advance of Stefani joining The Voice, that NBC's PR department would hint at a potential love match between the two to boost ratings. So maybe they are and maybe they aren't, but the idea is appealing (if somewhat reminiscent of the last season of Nashville - I know, I surprise myself too.)

All that being said, the are-they-or-aren't-they dating bit is the only way in which The Voice is Reality. And the truth is that, while I have a passing interest in Blake and Gwen (I was once a twenty-something at a No Doubt show with 13-year olds, but I digress...), I have shamelessly seized upon this gossip factoid to raise a pet peeve of mine, which is, despite the mainstream media's claims to the contrary, The Voice, American Idol, and Dancing With the Stars are not Reality TV shows.

But, real people!  But, prize! Like, like, Survivor!

Wrong.

Survivor and The Voice are as different as honey badgers and honey bees. Survivor is Competition Reality. The Voice is a talent show.  Shows like The Voice (and Dancing with the Stars and Idol) are, as Sam Brenton and Reuben Cohen put it, "no more than an old television formula - the audition/variety show - repackaged with turn-of-the-century glitz." (And as addictive as popcorn.)

Competition Shows are social experiments, and have their roots in programming like Candid Camera. They take a "regular Joe/Joan," place them in a foreign situation, and see what happens. In the case of Competition shows this means contestants are isolated from their loved ones, housed (or put on an island) with strangers (usually cast to rub them the wrong way), and have their cell phones and computers taken away. To all intents and purposes they are prisoners of production. (On Dancing, by contrast, contestants come and go at will and on The Voice are even united with their families.) The isolation and imprisonment on Competition Shows places an additional burden on the contestants (beyond the burden of simply attempting to win).

The shows also have tight shooting schedules, so contestants work crazy hours (sometimes up to 22 hours a day), with the winner sometimes being not necessarily the best Survivor or House Guest or Chef but, rather, the person up to the rigors of production. The grind of the process basically reveals who these characters become when they have their backs against the wall (and they can't boo-hoo to their mommies).

So while the person (whether they be from Team Blake or Team Gwen) who wins The Voice may be the best singer/performer, the winner of Top Chef is not only the best chef, but the best chef able to perform 24 hours a day, while living with assholes, and having no recourse to familial support. See the difference?

So come on, Blakani, throw down or you ain't real.