Reality Bits (Housewives Edition)

1. Celebrity Thievery

Kim Richards who has the dubious distinction of being too messy for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and is therefore an ex-Housewife, pled no contest to shoplifting from the Target in Van Nuys. She was sentenced to attend 52 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, 300 hours of community labor and can no longer shop (if that's the word) at the Target in Van Nuys. Tribulations trail in Richards' wake: in addition to being kicked off Housewives (for real, how much of a fuck up do you have to be to get fired by Bravo!?), she also walked out of a Dr. Phil interview, got wasted at daughter Brooke's Mexico wedding, and at one point reportedly was living in her car.

But I come here not to cast stones at Richards (who clearly has issues) but to discuss a tendency I've noticed among celebrities to, how do you say, liberate shit from random places. I have been in the company of more than one celebrity who'll just pick up something in a store/showroom we're in and just walk on out with it. Most of the time they get away with it, although I was once extremely gratified when a particularly pernicious thief was stopped in her tracks and was forced to yammer her way out of it. And I still think I was more embarrassed than she was.

But the fascinating thing is that often the stuff being stolen isn't that desirable (or certainly not worth going to the clink over). Richards, for instance, zeroed in on multiple make up cases, markers, stickers and something that looks intriguingly like a dildo (but isn't because Target). I, in turn, have seen celebs steal equally random stuff from production including: a bag of garbage bags; a couple of coolers (the Production Manager who requested them back was fired); a set of multi-colored velour track suits and quantities of craft that would fill several storage units.

I don't know why getting famous increases your predisposition to steal. Is it that you just get so much for free that you come to expect it? Cuz based on my experience thievery's a celebrity pandemic.

2. The Ginger Prince

Nothing warms my soul as much as when I can combine my first love, gossip, with discussions of reality. Thus I am delighted to send you to this article from the Daily Mail that postulates that Camilla, (AKA Charles' former sidepiece, AKA the current Duchess of Cornwall) is currently on the hunt for a bride for everyone's favorite royal Hot Prince Harry (AKA the Ginger Prince).

But how, you might say, is this about Reality? (You might also say I just want an excuse to go looking for images like this, this and even this.) Well, one obstacle to Camilla's matchmaking is that Harry, according to the DM, "has developed a penchant for the company of older, more worldly women on whose discretion he can rely." Funny that they used the word discretion, because the (former) spare to the throne was not being quite as discreet when he had a quickie with Real Housewives of DC cast member Cat Ommanney, during production on that show.

Older ladies may be discreet, but production staff, not so much!


3. Contextless Yes

Finally, Vicky Gunvalson "confessed" on the Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion that her ex, Brooks Ayers abused her (among other things). Much is being made of the fact that when Andy Cohen asked her if she was afraid of Brooks she "timidly nodded her head 'yes'." Now quite possibly he is abusive and she is frightened of him, but I will tell you this: we can find a "yes" or nod from pretty much anywhere in a sequence of footage and place it where we want it (for instance after a question like, "Are you afraid of him?").

So I wouldn't be taking anything that appears on a reality show as gospel, especially when it comes to something as loaded as this. Not everyone out there is sue happy, and I am aware of at least one other instance on Bravo where someone told an extremely damaging and bald-faced lie about another character, and got away with it. Legal be lax.

#princeharry #kimrichards #rhoc #rhbh #rhdc

Barry Diller is Wrong

“I just think it’s a phenomenon of reality television as politics. [...] Nobody wants to watch reality television of two housewives sitting in a room taking about where they’re going to go get their hair done. It’s all about conflict. Donald Trump, all he is is about conflict, and all that he is is negative conflict."
Media Mogul Barry Diller speaking at Bloomberg Markets Most Influential Summit

Last Tuesday Media Mogul Barry Diller weighed in on Donald Trump's candidacy, saying it is little more than a Reality spectacle. (This is a boring observation that has been made by many others, but has gotten  more press because Diller said it).

Diller knows a thing or two about Reality programming, having co-founded Fox with his pal Rupert Murdock.  As a result he is, in fact, responsible for producing the first Reality show COPS  (in an effective effort at undermining the pesky unions that control narrative programming).

However, I beg to differ with his analysis of the primary as Reality and particularly his comparing the current situation to, for instance, a Housewives show. That's offensive both to the Housewives casts, and Reality as a whole.

Frankly, these candidates are producing piss poor Reality footage. Yeah, sure, we have some nice archetypes developing what with Fiorina really owning her Wicked Witch persona, Ben Carson providing plenty of yucks with his Village Idiot routine, and Trump lording over it all like the Ring Master of the Dingaling Circus.

But while we've got a whole bunch of incendiary statements out there, we've no actual conflict. As Diller should know a comment is not conflict. Conflict arises when one character reacts to another character's incendiary statement, and we've got none of that here. All we've got is a bunch of assholes muttering about rapist immigrants; the similarity between 9/11 and Obamacare; and the boss job they did running a company into the ground; to be met with silence from the rest of the field.

Why does Trump even bother taking a shit on John McCain's war record, if McCain's ally Jeb Bush is gonna just sulk in a corner in response?

What's the point of the Wicked Witch Fiorina lying through her teeth about imaginary Planned Parenthood videos, if there isn't someone who's gonna pull a bitch's weave over it??! You know you're really amateur hour when Kenya Moore of Housewives of Atlanta has a more apt response than any of the candidates flailing out there.

Finally, how come Carson gets to blather on about bullet ridden bodies being better than gun control if no one is gonna choke him Mob Wives style on a trip to Vegas?

The closest we got to a Reality moment occurred when Fiorina confronted Trump about his implication that she was too ugly to govern, but it really lacked some kind of physical follow through.

In short, as Reality goes, the whole thing sucks. This is a bunch of fuck ups spouting soundbites into a vacuum. There are no counter-points. There is no Story. If only the primary were at least as interesting as your average Reality show.

And as for Diller's proclamation that if Trump wins he plans to leave the country, here's my counter: thanks for sharting out the Reality genre in the first place, and then taking off when it starts to smell.  Asshole.

#primaries #diller #trump #fiorina